Today we raise our fists high and put our hands together in celebration of our Feature Girl Warrior, the very talented Lead Visual Designer for design agency, Ettrics and the uplifting Personal Training and Nutrition Coach, Carisse Tam (AKA Tigress Tam). Carisse has designed for multi-million-dollar companies all around the world across multiple industries, but when the world shut down in 2020, and we were all stuck at home, she took advantage of this time to reflect and try new things, explore what made her tick through therapy, self-help workbooks, and listening to many podcasts about self-improvement, meditation and yoga. But it was when she discovered a “strong woman” on YouTube who led intense workouts that Carisse realized how much she loved being drenched in sweat and sore for days! She became curious about lifting heavier weights and was inspired by more fit women on YouTube who were filming their exercises and gym experiences. Seeing the results up close and personal, Carisse began coaching other women to help them achieve their health and fitness goals as well. That’s when Tigress Tam emerged. Strong, confident, courageous, passionate, beautiful in every way. And to that we say a powerful YES!
How would you define a Girl Warrior?
A Girl Warrior is in every woman. She fiercely advocates for herself and for others. She is open-hearted, empathic, carefree, and loving. She is expressive, courageous, and self-assured. She is who we were before we were told to become small. There are parts of her that we’ve locked away or forgotten in response to our experiences being in an imperfect world, but she’s always there and she never left.
What was it like growing up as a second-generation Chinese Canadian in Edmonton?
In short, it was difficult for me to find belonging and I experienced plenty of racism. Even though I was born in Edmonton, my parents spoke only Cantonese to me, and I was placed in kindergarten with little to no knowledge of the English language. Because of this, one of my first experiences as a second-generation child was having no friends and being bullied and marginalized. I was also surrounded by mostly white peers and was treated like I was a foreigner well into my Elementary school years, despite being born Canadian and having quickly become fluent in English by first grade.
Tired of being treated like an outsider and longing for acceptance, I began to feel ashamed of my Chinese heritage. It didn’t help that growing up there wasn’t a lot of positive representation of Chinese people in popular culture–Asian culture was portrayed as inferior, uncool and foreign while western culture was portrayed as the epitome of strength, beauty and success. Poor treatment from other kids reflected this racial profiling. I stopped speaking in Cantonese, tried my best to fit in, and would hide my mom’s Cantonese lunches she prepared for me away from my classmates. By my teen years, I had abandoned most of my culture. What resulted from this is that I wasn’t fully accepted by my white peers despite my efforts AND I struggled to find acceptance by my Asian peers!
It wasn’t until my twenties that I deeply regretted abandoning my culture and embraced my Chinese heritage. I re-discovered Cantonese dishes, celebrations, and most importantly to me, the Cantonese language (though that’s still a work in progress). There is so much to love about Chinese culture and being Chinese, and I wish I realized this sooner. I learned that there is a part of being a second-generation Chinese Canadian that means you’ll be treated like a foreigner in some way just because you don’t look like a white person. So instead of fighting to be accepted by others, I’m now accepting myself.
Why did you leave the Evangelical Christian church?
I studied at a Christian University in my early twenties and witnessed sexism and hypocrisy. It was really eye-opening for me as I realized that the Evangelical church environment is deeply patriarchal, operates by shaming its members, and puts men and women into small boxes. A lot of Christians I knew behaved in more hateful, judgmental, and elitist ways than the Atheists in my life. I left the church shortly after this realization and set out to find my own version of spirituality that aligns with my values.
In 2020 when the world shut down, life was challenging for a lot of us. How did you go from depression and trauma to finding the health and happiness you are enjoying today? What was the secret sauce?
Everything was put on pause during the pandemic, and I desperately needed that. I had just come out of an abusive situation and was in shambles. I was finally able to slow down–I started therapy, went for daily walks, journaled often, and pushed myself with challenging home workouts. These all helped me feel present in my body and let go of hyper vigilance. But what helped the most was connecting with my now fiancé and my friends who listen to me, see me, and care about me. They showed me over time that I’m lovable, that imperfection is human, and that closeness isn’t something to be feared.
What inspired you to choose the name Tigress for your Coaching business?
I was out walking with a friend around Elk Lake when we started to discuss names for my Personal Training and Nutrition Coaching business. She brought up “Tigress Tam” as a potential option, and I loved it!
The “Tiger Mom” is a term that refers to a parent who is extremely strict, pushing their children to achieve high levels of success. It generally is used for strict Asian parents, and I thought it fit perfectly with its Asian roots and as I coach my clients to achieve their health and fitness goals, though I use a much more empathetic approach than a tiger mom.
“Tigress” then is a nod to my Chinese heritage, a reference to the strength of a female tiger, and uses fun alliteration with my surname!
What do you like the most about your work?
In both coaching and design, I love interacting with people. With design, I enjoy being able to be creative and solving problems for clients. With coaching, I enjoy knowing that I’m helping others improve their health and self-confidence.
You’re a survivor of sexual abuse and domestic violence. How did that painful experience shape the trajectory of your life? What advice/help can you provide to other women going through the same thing? What’s the number one thing they need to know right now?
My experience of sexual abuse and domestic violence shaped my life trajectory both positively and negatively. My self-worth plummeted lower than it ever was. I remember truly believing that I was worth less than a pile of dirt, because how could I be treated the way I was if I was worth something? Although my self-esteem has greatly increased since then, I still struggle. The positive that came out of the experience is that I spent a lot of energy on improving my mental health, learning how to communicate, stand up for myself and set boundaries.
The advice I can provide to other women who are going through the same thing is that you need to choose yourself and also forgive yourself. You’re not alone. You’re stronger than you think and there are so many people who love and care about you and who will support you, even if you haven’t met them yet.
What has been the hardest life lesson for you to learn?
The hardest life lesson that I’m still learning is that I can trust myself and others. I grew up being shown that my thoughts, emotions, and needs weren’t valid. In my childhood, vulnerability was met with dismissal or punishment, so I didn’t feel like I could trust myself. As I got older, I surrounded myself with people who mirrored this same invalidation, dismissal and punishment. Now I’m revisiting my needs and who I am with respect and kindness and choosing people who choose me. Trusting myself and others is a difficult process, but I’m getting there!
What would you say to your younger Girl Warrior?
To my child self, I would say: I love you and you mean everything to me.
To my teenage self, I would say: I see you and I don’t judge you.
To my young adult self, I would say: I hear you and you’re worthy of love and respect.
What would you say to future Girl Warriors looking for inspiration?
There’s someone the world tells you that you need to be, but it’s impossible to be that person. They tell you that you need to be strong but soft, assertive but gentle, thin but healthy, beautiful but humble, loving but independent—that you need to be much but not too much. They will try to erase you and mold you into a woman who serves others and coddles men at your own expense, and it often becomes so ingrained in you that it feels like second nature to do so.
But who are you, really? Who are you beneath the endless expectations? What is it that you truly need and want? And what are you afraid will happen if you prioritize yourself? The restlessness, irritation, and hurt you feel is valid; they tell you what you need. The joy, connection, and love you feel are also valid; they tell you what makes your life worth living.
Who is/are your Girl Warrior hero(s) and why?
My auntie Eunice who passed away last year, and my auntie Esther, my dad’s sisters. Before Eunice passed, her and Esther shared with me a bit about how they were raised. Their father (my grandfather) was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards them and his wife. While my dad was allowed to be at home with his parents, my aunts weren’t and had to live in the church building where my grandfather was a pastor. As young children they slept on narrow church benches, sharing the space with rats, and survived on my grandfather’s half-eaten and often rotting leftovers. They traveled between school and the church building, given the responsibility of cleaning and taking care of the church. My grandma had a maimed arm from my grandfather’s abuse. This is but a fraction of the stories that my aunts shared with me. My grandfather treated my aunts and my grandmother like they were nothing more than slaves.
Despite their extremely unforgiving upbringing, my aunts later moved to Los Angeles, California where they both found independence and success. My grandmother eventually separated from my grandfather, but she passed away soon after and I never met her.
Messages from the Evangelical church and seeing my parents’ relationship taught me that women, especially Asian women, must stay despite continuous disrespect and that women must put everyone else above themselves. My aunts’ and my grandmother’s stories showed me that prioritizing your own peace and fighting for yourself is a kind of strength. They inspire me to choose myself every day.
Blue Sky it. No boundaries here, just limitless opportunities. Where do you see yourself in 5 Years?
I’m braver, I’ve grown more internally, and I’m continuing to break negative cycles passed down to me. I’m jacked as hell and can bench press my husband. I might have two kids. I love myself more and I care less about what other people think of me.
What books are on your nightstand?
Permission to Come Home: Reclaiming Mental Health as Asian Americans by Jenny T. Wang, PhD, and Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma by Dr. Mariel Buqué.
Describe yourself in five words.
Resilient, introspective, disrupter, stubborn, and learner.
To learn more about Carisse (Tigress Tam) and her fitness journey follow her on Instagram at: https://www.instagram.com/tigress.tam/
Connect with her on LinkedIn at: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carisse-tam-9321491b1/
