My oldest daughter, Aimee asked me to participate in an assignment she was working on for one of her university courses on “aging.” As a former high school teacher, I’ve always welcomed the opportunity to help my kids with their homework – except for math. And science. And anything to do with foreign languages. Social studies. Engineering. Or computer sciences.
I never imagined I’d be helping with homework at this age and stage of my life, but sometimes wonderful and unexpected things happen in life. And this was one of them.
It was a fascinating and worthwhile experience, especially since the tables were turned and instead of being the interviewer I was wearing the other hat. Aimee’s interview questions were thought-provoking, compelling and engaging. She really challenged me to think about a topic that is so relevant to me right now. Getting old. And what that looks like. How it feels. Who I am as I age. And why that’s important.
How do you personally define aging and what does it mean to you?
- Aging happens to everyone and to me it’s threefold:
- Physically (which is hard at times to accept and live with – how you look, how you feel, how you move). My advice: never stop moving.
- Intellectually (also hard at times, especially in these days of Alzheimer disease and dementia to not feel anxious about anything that might be “a sign”). My advice: never stop learning new things.
- Spiritually (only gets better with age. My connection to the spiritual world grows. I think about dying more than I used to and it doesn’t frighten me as much anymore). My advice: never stop believing.
How has your view of aging changed as you have aged?
- It happens to everyone, but it is also unique to each person.
- We don’t all age the same.
- It’s scarier than I thought it would be, but it is also very interesting.
- Life happens so fast so it’s important to do your best to stay in the moment.
- I’m from a generation that has always liked to defy and break the rules. So, we’re still doing this as we age.
Have you ever experienced age discrimination – if so, can you describe?
- Not in obvious ways but it’s there.
- I don’t get “invited to the party” like I did when I was younger.
- I feel intimidated, foolish, dismissed and self-conscious around younger people sometimes. Like they are just waiting for me to say something stupid. And of course, inevitably I do.
- I hate the generation descriptions like Boomer, Gen X, Millennials, etc. This pigeon-holes all of us and is designed to create conflict. I cringe and cower every time I hear “Okay Boomer.”
How do you think being a woman has shaped your experience of aging?
- I think in many ways being an aging woman has been a positive thing.
- Also, I don’t know what it feels like to be a woman. I only know what it feels like to be me. Here and now. At this cosmic moment in time. This age.
- Women are driven by their hormones – from the cradle to the grave. So, there’s that.
- My invisibility has allowed me to fly under the radar and do things, unexpected things, and take a few risks.
- I’ve grown more confident as I have aged and, in some ways, much smarter, sharper, intuitive and discerning.
- How I define and view beauty has changed. I’ve learned to embrace and appreciate the wrinkles, our beautiful rivers of wisdom.
- I don’t know if this is because I am a woman, but my heart is so tender now and everything touches me deeply and makes me cry.
- I want to hold onto life, but I also just want to let it go sometimes because it’s exhausting and I’m tired.
Did granny or grandpa talk to you about aging? If so, what did they talk about? Did they talk to you about being a grandparent?
- They didn’t really talk about aging. Or anything like this, truthfully. It wasn’t part of their generation’s psyche. I just witnessed it, and it was difficult at times. Especially with granny, especially after she had her heart attack. Because she was older when I was born, I worried a lot all my life about losing her. It was an unbearable thought.
- They loved being grandparents. I could always count on them to be there for me when it came to you kids. I loved how they loved you guys.
Do you feel a connection to your ancestors or heritage as you get older? How do you nurture that connection?
- YES! Most definitely. That’s what my trip with Abby to Finland was all about. I felt “at home” in these Nordic countries. And truthfully, I want to go back – with Abby of course. Best travel companion for an old lady. Our 50-year age gap worked in our favor.
- That’s also why I love to cook and eat Italian food. It will always be my favourite cuisine and brings me back to Grandma’s kitchen back at 204. Talk about feeling at home – every time I bite into something Italian. I’d like to go to the area in Italy where the Fasanos were from.
- Grandma is also half English and was raised by her grandmother Mary Ann Passingham who was married to Arthur George Humby. Mary Ann was from Portsmouth UK (and the Isle of Wight) and George was born in Downton so I’d love to go to the UK as well since she had such a huge influence on Grandma growing up. She died when Uncle Billy was one-month old. I cried when I found her gravestone on google – literally a stone in the ground.
What advice or wisdom do you think older people can offer younger generations?
- Be grateful for everything. Don’t take anything for granted.
- Do your best in every circumstance and forgive yourself when you fuck up because you will.
- Forgive others, even when it feels impossible. Your compassion muscle will grow when you do. And it’s important to extend compassion even to the unlovable.
- Look for ways and opportunities to be kind and extend grace to other humans.
- Try your best not to judge others, which is hard, but try anyway.
- Do your best to find meaning and purpose in life.
- Accept that everything has an expiry date including you. So, live your life accordingly.
- Enjoy being young… and then enjoy all the other stages of life too. Each one has something wonderful, but you must see it first.
- Life hurts. But it is also joyful. So, know that when it’s hurting… this too shall pass.
- It’s our responsibility as humans to figure life out and to find our own meaning.
- For as long as you are alive there will always be more work to do to grow as a human.
- Take care of the planet and all the sentient beings on it. My generation wasn’t so great at that. Hopefully yours can do better.
- Surround yourself with good people. Some may be your family, some may be your friends, some may be your work colleagues, some may be from various groups, churches, school, special interest classes, etc.
- Learn to sniff out the bad and stay away. Learn to walk away from bad people and bad situations early and swiftly. You don’t need, or want, that shit in your life. And when you leave, learn the lessons these people and situations have taught you. Therein lies the good.
- Create something worthwhile and meaningful to leave your children – it could even be a fabulous dish or recipe you’ve created and mastered. But mostly make your legacy be the love you gave.
- Always have a pet in your life. They offer a different but equally sweet love as your children. And when you’re old they truly are family. And they are great teachers of unconditional love.
- Acquiring knowledge is important but fostering wisdom is even more so.
