I am scared shitless. In less than a month I am going to do something that I honestly never thought I would do. Not in my wildest dreams or my vivid, often out of control, imagination. For most people this is a piece a cake. No big deal. But for me it is. It is taking me out of my comfort zone. Hell, it’s taking me out of my zone. Period.
For the first time in my life, I am taking a trip outside of Canada or the US. I’m leaving on a jet plane and flying to Sweden, Finland and Estonia. I won’t be flying solo. Not brave enough for that. My traveling companion will be my beautiful granddaughter, who at twenty-four is a well-seasoned world traveler. And most importantly, not scared shitless. For context, she’s a Paramedic and drives an ambulance. In Vancouver, no less. Having her by my side brings me comfort and joy. Which is a good thing, because we’ll be over there at the start of the festive season. One of the places we’re visiting is Santa’s hometown in Rovaniemi, Lapland where you can cross the Arctic Circle every day.
What started as a fleeting thought, a flight of fancy if you will, while my son introduced me to these YouTube Live Cams of Finland in winter. This was a couple of Christmases past. They were just playing in the background while we all gathered as a family to enjoy food and merriment before the big day of more food and merriment, followed by a turkey coma. Which is one of the purposes of the season to us. I had this quiet little whisper of a thought that went something like this, “That looks like a fabulous place to visit in the winter. And The Old Man’s family was from there. I probably have Finnish relatives I could connect with.” Then I had this much louder thought, “That’s stupid.”
But I couldn’t get the first thought out of my head. And a year later I started saying the thing out loud. To other people. And these people, thought it was a great idea. What do they know? They fly around the world all willy-nilly like it’s Tuesday. None of them were virgin flyers leaving the continent for the first time. I can’t even breathe right now just writing those words.
Then a little over a year ago I asked my beautiful granddaughter if she wanted to go with me. My treat. She said YES! I put that in caps because it was that emphatic and enthusiastic. Shit started to get real. Then shit got real-real when we got our tickets to all those weird places way over there across the Atlantic Ocean, somewhere in foreign countries on another continent. Who cares if The Old Man’s family was from Finland? I can’t breathe right now.
Why am I so afraid? Truth is, I’m not exactly sure.
It could have something to do with the fact that my family of origin weren’t big travelers – not because we didn’t want to necessarily, but my folks lived from paycheck to paycheck when I was growing up. And consequently, we didn’t fly. If we couldn’t drive there in a reasonable allotment of time, we didn’t go. I guess my next window of traveling opportunity could have been when I graduated from university. But while my peers were backpacking around Europe, I was a young single broke (not broken) mother. I have no regrets there. Being a mom (of three now) has been the most creative, challenging, breathtaking, beautiful and worthwhile thing I have done with my life. When you’re a parent, you make sacrifices. You need a pair of shoes, and your kid does too, they get the shoes. Or whatever. It’s just an analogy. But the point is I never had the means, the time, nor the desire truthfully, once I was in the throes of motherhood.
Then a few years ago, when my youngest kid was all grown up, I began to have the means, the time and this slowly growing desire to hop on a plane and just go. At first, I thought I’d travel abroad with my husband but as it turns out he’s not really big on traveling beyond our borders. And then I thought of the best traveling companion for me. My granddaughter, who has taught me so much over the years and I was hoping she could teach me something about this too. That’s how it all began.
Part of the reason for this trip is to spend time with my granddaughter and see new things through her wondrous inquisitive adventurous eyes. But the other reason, and the purpose actually, is to push myself to try something new, step out of my cocoon of complacent contentment, take a few risks (because it’s been a while since I’ve taken any) and just take flight. Spread these old wings while they are still capable of flapping. Regardless of my fears, my anxiety, the sciatic nerve pain in my ass, my age, my shyness, my lack of confidence, my foolishness, my awkwardness around people I don’t know, and the really big thing, my fear of flying.
Oh, my my my my. I can’t breathe.
But despite all the fears and angst, my inability to breathe right now, I’m putting on my big girl warrior pants and doing it. And I intend to have the time of my life with my beautiful granddaughter.
